Smooth Jazz is the Worst Music in Life...

Sigh... So, I'm in the gym trying to get my college physique back and it's impossible to concentrate on my good angle in the locker room mirror because one of the regulars has his Metro PCS phone blasting Dave Koz or some other terrible smooth jazz artist I hopefully don't know by name. I used to be subjected to this rubbish daily when I lived with my dad for a few years. He is the man that introduced me to Heatwave, Marvin Gaye, Blue Magic, and for God's sake, Curtis F'in Mayfield. So why is it that a couple decades later, he grooves HARD to Kenny G. I just can't understand how your music taste can jump the shark that much.

There is nothing I can find entertaining about this genre. The saxophone which is normally kinda sexy, is somehow transformed into the equivalent of a cancer patient on these songs. And the amount of reverb they put on the ONE drum kit they use for every single smooth jazz artist is surely for the sole purpose of making me nauseous. Why does it sound like the drummer is inside a water slide at Clementon Park? When I think of smooth jazz, I think of every bad black comedian using his white guy voice. Yeah, smooth jazz is basically the same as the stereotypical white guy voice. Both of those, I wish would stop being apart of our entertainment vocab. 

When I was younger and my dad and stepmom drunk off of religion, decided to dump most of my hip-hop vinyl collection, my stepmom thought it would be a good idea to try to expand my horizons by taking me to see Spyro Gyra. Now I'm not saying they don't have any tunes, I'd tap my toe too but taking a 13 year old to see some old band after you've sold off all the music he loves, I'd hope you could do better than a smooth jazz nightmare like Spyro Gyra in the 90s. I don't know, maybe the disrespect of my record collection is what I associate with this genre and that's why I wanna kill myself when I hear Unwrapped or some other rip off of songs I love but done in a horrible way. Either way, smooth jazz, I hate your dumb ass rimshots, your over usage of big room reverb, your inability to have vocals or soul or anything funky enough to keep my attention. Die please. Thanks.

 

Sonny JamesComment